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You’re Always One Step Ahead When You Listen to Yourself First
Nicholas Urbaniak • November 20, 2024
The Power of Being Honest with Your Own Heart
In a world filled with expectations and opinions, tuning in to our own voice isn’t always easy. We often look outside ourselves for guidance, seeking the validation and opinions of others to help shape our path. But there’s a unique strength in being able to listen to yourself first. This doesn’t just mean hearing your own thoughts—it means having the courage to be honest with yourself about what you truly believe and feel.
When you’re able to connect with your authentic feelings and beliefs, you build a life that reflects your true values. Being honest with yourself is a powerful skill, one that allows you to make choices based on clarity rather than confusion or pressure. Listening to yourself first doesn’t mean ignoring advice from others, but it means starting from a place of self-trust and truth.
Why Being Honest with Yourself Matters
Being honest with yourself is more than a personal strength—it’s the foundation of an authentic life. It means acknowledging your feelings, even if they’re uncomfortable, and recognizing what truly resonates with you. When you can be honest with yourself, you avoid self-deception and can make choices that genuinely support your well-being and growth.
If you don’t take the time to understand what you feel, you might end up living according to others’ expectations rather than your own desires. Self-honesty allows you to create a life that feels true to you, not just one that looks good on the outside.
Practicing Self-Honesty: A Step-by-Step Guide
Self-honesty doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a practice of becoming more aware of your inner world and tuning in to what you truly feel and believe. Here are steps to help you strengthen this practice:
- Create Space for Reflection: Set aside time to sit quietly and reflect on your feelings, even if it’s just for a few minutes each day. Ask yourself what you genuinely feel about your current situation, relationships, or decisions.
- Ask Yourself Honest Questions: When facing a decision, ask questions like “What do I really want?” or “Am I choosing this for myself or to please someone else?” Give yourself the space to answer honestly without judgment.
- Pay Attention to Inner Conflict: Inner conflict is often a sign that something doesn’t align with your beliefs or desires. Instead of ignoring this discomfort, listen to it. Ask yourself what part of the situation feels off and explore whether it reflects your true feelings.
- Accept Uncomfortable Truths: Sometimes, being honest with yourself reveals difficult truths. Maybe you realize you’re in a job or relationship that isn’t serving you, or that a goal you’ve been chasing doesn’t really align with who you are. Embracing these truths, however hard they may be, sets you free to pursue a life that genuinely fulfills you.
Why Listening to Yourself First Keeps You One Step Ahead
When you’re able to listen to yourself with honesty, you’re equipped to make decisions that align with your true needs and values. This inner clarity keeps you one step ahead, because you’re not wasting energy on choices that don’t reflect your authentic self.
For instance, if you’re honest with yourself about your career aspirations, you can avoid taking on roles or responsibilities that aren’t a good fit. Or, if you’re honest about how a friendship or relationship feels, you’re more likely to set healthy boundaries or make changes that benefit your well-being.
Each honest decision you make keeps you aligned with your path, giving you a sense of direction that’s rooted in self-awareness.
Building Self-Trust Through Self-Honesty
When you’re honest with yourself, you build trust within. Self-trust grows from knowing that you can rely on your own feelings and beliefs to guide you, rather than needing constant reassurance from others. This self-trust becomes a powerful foundation that lets you face life’s uncertainties with confidence.
If you’re honest with yourself about your strengths and weaknesses, you can approach challenges with humility and self-compassion, recognizing when to ask for help or when to step up. Self-honesty strengthens your resilience, as it keeps you grounded in your true self, no matter what life throws your way.
Handling the Fear of Facing Difficult Truths
Sometimes, being honest with ourselves means acknowledging things we’d rather avoid. Maybe there’s a behavior, habit, or relationship that no longer serves us, but we’re afraid of making a change. It’s normal to feel resistance, but remember: self-honesty is a path to freedom.
Try approaching difficult truths with curiosity rather than judgment. Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” try asking, “Why do I feel this way?” Acknowledging these truths doesn’t mean you have to act on them right away; it simply means allowing yourself to see them clearly, without forcing anything.
Embracing Your Authentic Voice in a World Full of Noise
Listening to yourself first means recognizing that your voice matters in a world full of competing influences. Others may offer valuable perspectives, but they don’t live your life or carry your unique dreams and experiences. Embracing your authentic voice helps you filter through external pressures and focus on what truly aligns with you.
With practice, you’ll find that self-honesty brings peace. It silences the constant questioning that often accompanies decisions based on others’ expectations, replacing it with a sense of knowing that you’re on the right path for you.
Final Thoughts
Being honest with yourself is a journey of self-acceptance and inner strength. It allows you to build a life that’s not only true to your desires but also resilient to the pressures and opinions of others. You’re always one step ahead when you listen to yourself first because this self-honesty provides a clear compass, guiding you toward choices that resonate with who you truly are.
The next time you face a decision, pause and listen to what your heart is saying. Allow yourself to be honest, even if it feels uncomfortable. In doing so, you’ll find that the answers you seek were within you all along, waiting to be heard.
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Sometimes shitty things happen. You find out you have a chronic illness, you lose a job, or someone you love passes away. These circumstances come for us all in some way or another throughout our lives. No one is immune to human suffering and disappointment, and everyone has, or will go through a traumatic experience which takes their breath away in the worst of ways. I personally do not have a recipe for success to get through these times or have some magic words I can say to others when they are going through it. There really isn’t anything you can do to help someone who is struggling after receiving terrible news. Maybe you can offer condolences, help with any errands they had on their list, or just sit with them, but in the end, the grief and intense emotion is sometimes so unbearable that nothing except their own processing will allow them to feel any sort of relief. So, for anyone out there who is having a hard time, I’d like to say that I’m sorry. I wish it were different for you, and I hope that you can find peace in whatever is going on and know that hopefully there is a meaning behind it all. You are strong, but it’s still ok to cry. You do what you need to do to get through this. Remember tomorrow isn’t promised so try to enjoy today. Laugh with your spouse, call your mom, and don’t be afraid to tell someone you love them. Bask in the joys of life when they happen and embrace each other when something goes wrong. Step into life with all it has to offer, from the exhilaration of falling in love to the grief of loss, it is why we are here. “9 months was too long to wait, but now we must wait a lifetime”
Balance isn’t just about staying upright—it’s about how you move through life. Think about riding a unicycle. At first, you have to focus on every little adjustment to keep from falling, but after a while, it just happens . You’re not thinking about every shift—you just move. The goal is simple: don’t fall. And to do that, you keep adjusting, naturally and automatically, just like breathing. That kind of balance is what keeps you moving forward in life. When you feel balanced, you don’t get thrown off so easily. Stress, setbacks, challenges—none of them hit as hard because you’re always making small, automatic corrections . You don’t freeze up or feel stuck. Instead of overthinking, you just act , keeping yourself in motion toward whatever’s next. Balance also changes how you show up in the world. When you feel steady, you’re more present with others. You’re not as reactive, not as easily pulled into fear or frustration. You listen more, you see more, and you handle things with a clearer mind. It makes you more yourself , not weighed down by stress or uncertainty. And honestly? Balance is what lets you grow . Picture a tightrope walker—every step could throw them off, but they don’t freeze or overanalyze. They move . And because they trust their ability to adjust, they push their limits. First, they walk the rope. Then, they raise it higher. Then, maybe they juggle while doing it. The point is, balance isn’t about standing still—it’s about learning to keep moving no matter where life takes you. So if you’re looking for stability, don’t aim for some perfect, unshakable place where nothing ever challenges you. That’s not how it works. Balance isn’t about never wobbling—it’s about knowing that when you do, you’ll find your center again. And the sooner you understand that, the sooner you’ll reach that next version of yourself.
Do you have any control?
Thoughts swirl around me, yet they're not my own. Merely echoes, whispers, from moments behind; Yet now is alive, awake in my mind. Come quickly, my friend— Don’t dwell too long, This moment awaits your joyful song. Release all worry; it's always near— Right now endures if your gaze stays clear.
What do you do when it seems like there’s nothing you can do to fix a situation? Or how do you feel when everything you’ve tried to reach your goals hasn’t worked and it seems like you’re out of options? Do you buckle down and work harder? Do you give up? When you don’t see progress and can’t seem to muster up any more energy to “push through” the best thing you can do is find “ your safe place ”. To some this is going for a run or working out, for others it may be reading or journaling. Whatever it is, it’s the place you go (in your head) or thing you do (to get out of your head) when life has been kicking you around too much for any given day, month or year. It’s the place you know you can be yourself and everything is fine. Where nothing can touch you and you can detach for a little even. Where all the noise of the world fades away for just a little bit. This place is special, you know it as much as it knows you and it never seems to judge you or criticize you. It may not be a place filled with all your hopes and dreams, but it is your safe place , a place that feels like home in this foreign world. Everyone has and everyone needs a safe space, they can just look wildly different, like either diving into a project or work, or laying in bed scrolling social media. It doesn’t matter what it is, what is important is that it gives you reprieve from the constant mental chatter and drama of life. This safe place is what you’ve probably relied on in difficult times to weather the lows of life. It has been a friend when you just couldn’t seem to keep doing what you’ve been doing, and like a friend… who we hang out with can tell us a lot about ourselves. After all our safe place is usually one of, if not the only place we can feel comfortable with ourselves. So, what makes you want to hang out with you? Is it the freedom to peer into your feelings? Is it the freedom to not be productive? Or maybe you just like taking baths for some reason… The thing you do or place you go is often indicative in some way of what you value and how you want to feel. No matter what you do or how you access your safe space it has proven to be reliable and inviting even. It never turns you away and you always receive relief when you go. This place is special and it’s safe and you must be the one to protect it and you will, because it’s your lifeline in this chaotic world and you need it. So I challenge you, the reader here, to figure out what your safe spaces are, the things you wouldn’t let anyone take away. The things you need when nothing else is going right, and ask yourself why these things or actions bring you to that place of contentment . They may have a story to tell.
How do you balance your spending? Do you have a budget down to the T, tracking every cent? Do you trust yourself not to overspend and just put everything on a credit card? Or do you let your spouse handle it all? Either way, your past decisions depict an accurate picture of where you are today. In the past, I used a bucket system. My paycheck went into up to 6 different accounts, and I would only spend what was in each account for that period. It worked very well when we had big, fixed expenses on the horizon that we needed to plan for, and it set us up for this new phase of life. However, times change, and so do you. My wife and I have always been into saving and investing as much as we could. I’d be easily convinced to send money straight to investment accounts, leaving only the essentials for bills and known expenses in our checking and savings. We paid off our credit cards in full every month—just barely—because the rest of our money was already deployed. We had a rough idea of what we could spend while still covering our cards each month. The budget was loose, but it worked. We invested as much as possible and kept up with our expenses. Recently, my wife and I transitioned to a similar approach, but more passive, so we can focus on life rather than finances. Instead of directing investment money to separate accounts, we now put everything into just two: one for saving and one for monthly expenses. The rest is set up through our employers to go straight to our retirement plans, which we had done before, but not to this extent. In the past, I focused heavily on taxable accounts because it was lucrative to be able to invest in anything I wanted—from Pokemon cards and Bitcoin to the occasional gold coin. Now, my wife and I feel we have enough in those taxable (non-retirement) investments that we wouldn’t need to touch our retirement accounts in 99% of emergencies. This is fluid and might change in the future, but for now, we’re set—even in worst-case scenarios. By focusing on after-tax brokerage accounts and alternative investments, we’ve reached a point where we can now focus solely on retirement accounts, which has taken a huge load off our shoulders. People in investing groups often recommend a standard flow: first, a 6-month emergency fund; then your employer 401(k) match; then max out a Roth IRA (or backdoor Roth); then fully contribute to your 401(k); maybe use permanent life insurance for tax benefits; and only after all that, open a brokerage account or consider crypto. That model always left me uneasy—like it was backwards—despite the obvious tax efficiency. I used to think, “What do you do if you have kids and need more than your emergency fund, or if you want to retire at 55?” Retirement accounts typically can’t be touched until later without penalties, so how would you access that money if it was your goal? That’s why, in combination with retirement accounts, I prioritized taxable accounts in my 20s and early 30s—so if I needed money before retirement, it was there, yet I was still contributing to more tax-efficient vehicles. Now, having that buffer layer means I’m much more comfortable throwing everything we can into retirement accounts and deprioritizing taxable ones. This “SUPER” emergency fund makes me feel more at ease than if I had only 6 to 12 months of cash outside my retirement accounts. So, what I’m saying is: always save and invest in a way that fits your needs—not just some blueprint you found in a subreddit—because everyone has different goals in life. I, for one, wanted an extra layer of security so I’d feel comfortable locking up my hard-earned money for 40+ years. While this isn’t the right way for everyone, it was right for me because I knew what would allow me to maximize my contributions and maintain my peace of mind. Recognize that your needs change throughout life, and adjust. One day you might slow down on investing to save for a big vacation; another time, you might boost retirement contributions because you realize you’re behind and need to cut out frivolous expenses. The point is to adapt as needed and know yourself well enough to step outside the mold if you have to—because in the end, it’s not all about money, it’s about living. Plan for the future, but don’t ignore your feelings and needs. Find what works for you, and you’ll get more joy and comfort than if you followed a stale plan that doesn’t make sense to you. The cards will land as they will, and you’ll look back and realize you either did well or made a mistake. But remember, those were your choices. Right now, you have the power to change the trajectory of your future. Adjust as needed, and lean on advisors if you need help.
Have you ever wondered what the best use of your time is? Or have you ever stopped and thought, maybe I could be using my time better? This thought has been creeping up on me a bit recently. A weekend plan of mine just got cancelled and so I thought to myself, what would be a good use of my time? Should I work on some self-development to uplevel my career, should I read one of my new books, or should I sit on the couch and scroll reddit? I was hit with the dilemma of using my time for productivity or using it for enjoyment, and it almost set me off in a spiral where I couldn’t make a choice. I was going to end up doing something, but didn’t know what. It almost seemed like if today I didn’t do something productive, I would fall behind in life, it was very black and white thinking which is something I tend to do, all or nothing. If I don’t make the perfect choice right now, then my life will be ruined. After I had settled in a little, had my morning cup of coffee and some food, my brain started to relax a bit, and I was able to break out of the negative loop of being unable to make a decision. I decided to keep the day open and see how it would flow, and now here I am writing about this common experience that seems to happen almost constantly. I am realizing how important routine can be. Routine can be such a grounding experience that it allows you to step out of routine, if that makes sense. By having a morning routine, which is maybe getting a cup of coffee and some food for some, it allows you to settle into the day and be open to whatever may come. Without that grounding experience you might find yourself scrambling to get momentum in the day and end up doing nothing, or something that isn’t important to you because you didn’t take the time to get rolling. This brings me back to what I was saying earlier. How do you make the right choices for your time? The first step is to get positive momentum in your day. This can either be through your normal morning routine, by meditating and resetting your thoughts after a negative experience or even doing one of your favorite things. Once you are feeling at ease or even light and happy, you can then make clear decisions on how you’d like to spend your time. If you make the decision from this mindset the decision you make is almost always going to be a positive experience and something you enjoy. So, in the end it doesn’t matter if you do something productive, or something fun, as long as you make the decision from a state of ease, the chances of it being a good use of your time, due to the enjoyment it provides, it is the right decision. So next time you’re worried about if you’re doing the right thing for this moment or if your making weekend plans on a Tuesday, make sure you’re in a clear state of mind and you are being influenced by joy and ease rather than worry and anxiety.
Recently, I noticed something sneaky creeping up on me. You don’t feel it in the moment, but you can see the results afterward. It’s not a serial killer or some movie villain—it’s lifestyle creep. It’s that subtle, almost unnoticeable shift where you start spending more and more in the pursuit of feeling like you’re “moving up” in the world, even if it’s not in the most important ways. Over the past six months, my wife and I have slowly given in to this. Our income hasn’t changed, yet we’re spending more, simply because we’ve allowed ourselves to enjoy life’s pleasures a bit more. We’re still breaking even or barely saving anything beyond our essentials—nothing like the higher percentage of income I used to invest over the past five years. But at the same time, it’s been fun. I finally feel like I’m starting to spend some of the money I’ve worked hard to earn. A few years ago, most of my peers were already spending liberally on new cars, hobby equipment, and regular nights out. Meanwhile, I couldn’t bring myself to buy more than one pair of pants per year. I would much rather funnel every leftover dollar into investments that grew in value or produced cash flow. I rarely wanted to divert funds to something I considered “frivolous.” That changed after I read a book called The Illusion of Money. It made a key point that stuck with me: it’s okay to spend money on things that bring you enjoyment. After that, I no longer felt guilty about spending $10 on a bucket of golf balls at the driving range (and my swing has improved). I felt more confident booking a hotel room for a weekend getaway with my wife, and I could finally justify going out on a Friday night to our favorite spot—even if it was just for a quick drink and some pickles. So yes, I did a bit of a 180. I’ve gone from saving every penny to actively enjoying spending my money. And you know what? It’s led to some incredible memories. I’ve been exploring more, tasting new foods, trying out new activities—from spontaneous trips and a new boxing gym membership to bringing home a new puppy. It feels great to be more connected to the world around me. All that said, lifestyle creep comes at a cost. Even though our income hasn’t changed, my wife and I are spending a lot more than we used to. Yet in return, we’ve made memories that, to me, seem priceless. It’s reminded me that spending money is not inherently bad; in fact, it can be a source of joy and fulfillment if done thoughtfully. Now I realize: it’s crucial to spend money on things that truly add value to your life. Of course, everything in moderation. We have to be honest with ourselves about the real benefits of each purchase. Take, for example, my debate over getting an Xbox. On one hand, it would be fun to play with friends, reconnect with people I don’t see often, and have a quick mental break. But considering my busy schedule, I’m not sure I’d use it often enough to justify the cost—especially when the same amount of money could pay for several months of boxing lessons, which I already love and which keeps me active. Sure, some people might say an Xbox is a one-time purchase you can enjoy indefinitely, but they might forget about the ongoing cost of new games. Meanwhile, boxing offers me a physical workout, a chance to meet new people, and plenty of motivation—all of which, for me, is more beneficial than occasional gaming sessions. Ultimately, what I’m learning is this: lifestyle creep might happen, but if it does, make sure you’re spending on things that genuinely enhance your life. Weigh the costs and benefits and be honest about whether a purchase will bring long-term happiness or just a fleeting thrill. It doesn’t matter if it’s video games or a gym membership—just ensure it’s something you truly love and that truly adds value to your life.
How Trusting Your Future Transforms Your Present
I often get so caught up in the how: how to accomplish something, how to reach my goals, how to get what I want. This obsession has sometimes led me down paths that weren’t right for me. For example, in college, I chose to major in engineering because I believed it was the best way to make good money straight out of school with only a four-year degree. My ultimate goal was to be financially stable, and engineering seemed like a reliable way to achieve that. I’d heard about people landing solid jobs after graduating with a mechanical engineering degree. It was considered a stable field; you got paid what you were worth, and you could afford some of life’s pleasures—maybe a trip to Europe, a nice home, supporting your kids through college, and comfortably setting yourself up for retirement. The end result sounded great. But the journey to get there was full of confusion. I rarely understood what was going on in class, my test scores weren’t great, and the concepts didn’t click for me. I realized, despite believing I was “mathy,” my true desire to learn lay elsewhere. It took almost four years before I finally switched to a business major, and that opened my eyes. Once I made the change, I felt more engaged and motivated. I ended up graduating with degrees in finance and marketing after a couple of extra years. From this experience, I learned that if you actually like something, you have a much better chance of being good at it. Your natural interests bring an innate drive to learn—far more than you’d ever muster doing something that doesn’t come naturally or that you don’t enjoy. In my pursuit of money, I got hung up on how to get there, rather than staying open to different paths and focusing on why I wanted it. The why is more complex. I wanted money and a stable financial future for a wife and kids someday, because I wanted them to feel secure. I had a secure childhood and wanted to pass that feeling on to my own family. I also admired my parents’ example: they gave me a good life, and I wanted to do the same for the people I loved. The funny thing is, my dad actually followed what he wanted to do from the start. He loved to draw, so he began college in art school. When a teacher graded one of his projects a C (even though my dad and many others felt it was excellent), he became disillusioned. He felt art was subjective and couldn’t be fairly graded. Eventually, he decided to pursue another dream—being a doctor who works with kids. He loved kids and wasn’t motivated purely by money. My parents often talk about the high interest rates on his loans back then, rates that would seem insane today. But he still went for it. I’m not sure why it took me so long to notice that my dad’s path was a perfect example: he chased his dream, and the how worked itself out over time. Now, I want my life to be the same. I want to write, and I want to earn enough money so I don’t have to worry about bills, to maybe travel to Europe, and to have a comfortable retirement. I want my kids and grandkids to have the same security I had growing up, so they can explore their own passions and find what truly motivates them. So I offer you, the reader, a chance to reflect on your own life. Is what you’re doing now what you really want to be doing? Does it naturally motivate you, keep you engaged, and excite you enough that you might do it in your free time? If not, that’s okay—nobody is constantly doing something they love every second of the day. Still, I challenge you to dive into something that genuinely interests you, something that lets you express yourself and impact others in a meaningful way. You never know: by starting with your why, the how might just fall into place. Why do I want to write about these topics in my blog? Because it relaxes me. It helps me envision a future where I can earn a living this way, and it gives me hope that maybe someone out there is reading these posts and finding a bit of guidance. Maybe they’re struggling to find their place, and my stories could help. But if I’m honest, I’m doing it first and foremost for myself—as an outlet, a way to process my feelings and find resolution. And that’s enough for me right now. Hopefully, it leads me to how I’ll reach my bigger goals. For now, just writing is enough.